When I was growing up (which was not that long ago) we were taught that once your brain was done growing it couldn't really grow anymore. Now we know that's not actually true.
Neuroplasticity. That's the fancy word for "your brain can grow and change."
A really cool discovery is that mindfulness-meditation can grow and change your brain. And not only that, it can grow and change your brain in some pretty important ways.
Read MoreCheck out this smart graphic by Nigel Holmes.
It's an easy way to see how you are approaching life.
Is it from a fixed mindset or a growth mindset?
This may explain why you may feel stuck or stagnant in an area of your life. I'm sure as you read through it examples will come to mind.
Read MoreSo, is masturbation ok? Can it be healthy?
Some of you may be wondering why I am even asking the question because you are thinking the answer is "NO!". And, some of you may be wondering because you think "OF COURSE!"
It depends. It depends. It depends.
It depends if you are in recovery from sexual addiction. It depends on your spouses' opinion. It depends upon your spiritual view regarding lust--unless you masturbate without fantasy, in which case I say...bravo?
Here are three questions that can help you reflect on it more deeply:
Read MoreIf you have ever been in this sort of accountability group for a lust problem or porn addiction you know that it can seem like "what's the point?" It can especially feel this way if it's the same routine every week. Over time members of such a group get discouraged and in the end can withdraw feeling defeated. They tell themselves "well, I tried the whole accountability thing but it didn't really work." Like most worthy endeavors in life learning how to be an effective accountability partner is a skill. Skills require an intentional process of learning, practicing and coaching to develop. So, how do you get skilled?
Read MoreGuess what's in the safe?
I don't know but doesn't it make you want to press your face against the cold steel and listen for whatever safe-thieves listen for?
Riddles are fun until they keep you from getting something you really want and need.
One of my friends once locked his laptop to a desk and completely forgot the 4-number combination to unlock it. He had to give a big presentation in about 4 hours and it was back in the day when thumb drives weren't around.
Sweat started to pool on his brow. The creases in his forehead deepened. With chin in hand he puzzled over the riddle that faced him.
How the heck was he going to get this laptop where it needed to be in a few hours?
Go to a hardware store and by a bolt cutter? Nope. The lock is connected to the hardware of the laptop.
Call the manufacturer of the lock to see if there's a way to open it without the combo? Maybe. Probably an unlikely fix.
Just leave it there and wing it. Nope. Too much detail to remember.
Aha! Then, the difficult answer came. But, it wasn't a "yes!" aha but a "oh, crap!" aha. My friend realized that the best option would be for him to manually go through each number. With 10,000 combination options at 3 seconds per combination tried, well that's at least 8 hours of trying. But, he thought on average the number isn't going to be at the end so he could probably find it in 4 hours, maybe less if he's lucky.
Still..."CRAP!"
0001, 0002, 0003...0923, 0924, 0925...1109, 1110, 1111...
Then..."click" it opens!
Why am I telling you this story? Because addiction is a riddle. Addiction is a laptop locked to a desk and time (read: life) is running out.
Read More"How did I get here?" Have you ever said that to yourself when walking or driving somewhere? It's an experience that many people have. They get in the their car or start walking somewhere, look up and realized they have just arrived.
Minutes or even hours have passed. Yet, it feels like barely a minute has gone by.
Often you aren't aware of the state of mind you are in until the exit sign or destination jars you from your trance. The brain has a way of creating a trance like state that makes it feel like we teleport through time and space.
Pornography addiction (like all addictions) can also create a similar trance where the addict, after acting out, asks themselves "how did I get here?" One minute they were working on something and the next they are acting out, not even noticing at which point they slipped into the trance.
In the beginning of recovery from sex and pornography addiction it seems like acting out 'just happens.' It's as if the sex addict drives past the "this is not a good idea" exit and plows into the center divider, or drives into a ditch. Rather than at the "exit sign" the addict only breaks out of their trance once the damage has been done. The damage in this case being STD's, divorce, financial ruin, getting fired from a job, intense shame--just to name a few.
There is a way to slow down the process and see the events, emotions, thoughts and decisions that lead to the moment of acting out. One way of slowing down the process is to learn about your "triggers." Triggers are often responsible for firing the addict into a trance-like state that leads to acting out. By learning your triggers you can interrupt addiction.
Read MoreI've been writing a lot about the dangers of porn. But, It's not enough to just refrain from unhealthy sexuality. Recovery is about learning to detach from a self-destructive process and attach to a safe, healthy person. To safely attach to a person requires knowing how to build a relationship in which both you and your partner will thrive. And, it's this sort of thriving marriage that makes truly amazing sex possible. This is what healthy sexuality is all about!
So, this week I offer a marriage health assessment to help you assess your current relationship. If you are in between relationships you can use this assessment to consider what you want in your next romantic venture. You can also use this assessment as a conversation starter with your significant other. Have each person take the test and compare answers.
Read MoreA therapy session is only one half of 1% of your life in a week but, it has the potential to transform your marriage, stop your addictive behaviors, heal trauma and help you make meaning of your life. Therapy can be an incredible investment if you are a wise investor. To help you get the most out of your investment I've created this article for you to check out.
The First Visit. If you can come early. Allow yourself to get there 20-30 minutes ahead of time so that you can find the place, get settled, fill out the necessary paperwork and reflect on what you want to get out of the first session. If you do this the session will be spent focused more on you rather than the business of filling out paperwork.
Expectations and Communication. If you forget all other parts of this article I hope you remember this point: therapy is about you getting what you want and need. Different people prefer different styles of therapy. Some want a more direct approach. Other's want to go slow and spend more time verbally processing. A therapist will only know what you want and need if you tell them. As a therapist I will have hunches but it is best if the client shares with me their expectations. Most sessions I will make space to check in at the end of sessions. If your therapist doesn't do that I would recommend you can ask for that to happen. With that said if something didn't sit right with you let your therapist know as soon as you are aware. Being able to have a voice in the therapy process is critical to you meeting your goals. In addition, learning to have a voice in therapy is a great way to practice being assertive. And, that can have a positive impact in other of parts of your life.
Read MoreAlex Lerza, practicing in Los Gatos, CA is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist - 83946, and authorized to act as a Psychotherapist providing Psychotherapy. He is also an Certified Sex Addiction Therapist providing Sex Addiction Treatment. His focus is on trauma, sex addiction and pornography addiction. In addition to dealing with these issues Alex Lerza provides treatment for anxiety, panic attacks, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, sex difficulties, anger regulation issues, betrayal from an affair, self-esteem, co-dependency, trauma, abuse and managing grief and loss. If you search for counseling San Jose, psychotherapy San Jose, psychotherapist San Jose, therapist San Jose, counselor San Jose, couples therapist San Jose, couples counselor San Jose, marriage therapy, Sex Addiction Therapist San Jose, Sex Addiction Counselor San Jose, Adolescent Treatment, Teen Pornography Addiction, you can find Alex Lerza's website. In addition to serving San Jose, Alex serves clients in San Jose, Campbell, Fremont, Milpitas, Mountain View, Cupertino, Scotts Valley, Felton, Sunnyvale, Morgan Hill, Fremont, Los Altos, and Gilroy, California.
