March 13, 2015

Questions for Your Next Date-night

March 13, 2015/ Alex Lerza

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Source: NY Times

November 20, 2014

A Powerful TEDTalk - Especially for Teens

November 20, 2014/ Alex Lerza

This is a powerful video that dissects the dysfunctional aspects of pornography. And, how porn creates emotionally unsafe sex in the viewer.

The message also brings to light the inhumanity that a viewer of porn subjects themselves to as well as the person(s) they are watching. Definitely an authentic message coming from someone who has served the sex worker population.

WARNING: Graphic descriptions (NSFW)

WHY I STOPPED WATCHING PORN

Ran Gavrieli lives in Tel Aviv and studies gender at Tel Aviv University. He works with youth and adults all over the country in sex and gender studies and in building positive self image in a world inundated by sexual imagery with negative connotations.

Ran writes and lectures about emotional and physical safe sex; porn and porn-influenced cultural damages; gender and power relations; and sex and intimacy.

Are there people who would be helped by this video/article? Feel free to share it.

November 14, 2014

Porn Kills Healthy Sex; Healthy Sex Kills Porn

November 14, 2014/ Alex Lerza

Last week I wrote about the 22 differences between porn-related sex and healthy sex .

This week I delve more deeply into the top 3 differences. I also include a former porn star's inspiring story. Now, onto how porn kills healthy sex and how healthy sex kills porn.

A famous teacher once said that if you have two bosses you are going to hate one and love the other. Basically, you are going to have to choose which boss you are going to follow or comply with. You can't make both bosses happy. Being loyal to one means upsetting the other and vice versa. Some of you may even have bossws, teachers or even parents that have competing agendas. And, I'm sure the tug-of-war drives you nuts. It's an illustration that sometimes in life two paths are incompatible. To gain one you have to give up the other.

There's a similar dynamic when it comes to pornography and a healthy sexuality. If you choose porn then you give up a healthy sexuality and vice versa. Pornography pulls you away from healthy sexuality and healthy sexuality can pull you away from pornography. The main issue is that we are influenced by what we watch especially when you add an orgasm into the mix. Our brain is able to change and it adapts itself based on rewards. If sex to your brain = isolated porn and masturbation, experiences outside of that will not "feel right." For some guys this means erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation when it comes to having sex with a real person. Rewiring your brain to a healthy sexuality requires an intentional process and is not easily done. (For more on that you can go HERE.)

For many guys whose first sexual experience was pornography the idea of "healthy sexuality" may seem completely foreign. Let me break down some of the major differences between a healthy sexuality and a porn sexuality.

22 Differences Between Healthy Sex and Porn

November 06, 2014/ Alex Lerza

Sometimes it can be hard to pin-down why pornography can be harmful to a healthy sexuality. I am grateful to share a poster made by healthysex.com (with permission) that lays out 22 differences between healthy sex and pornography.

As you look at this list do you see ways your sexuality has been influenced by the porn industry? Don't be surprised if you do. The three "A's" of porn--accessibility, affordability and anonymity--have caused a "pornification" to happen to our culture. This is especially true for youth whose sex education often comes by-way-of pornography. In my next post I will delve more deeply into a few of these differences.

How Healthy Is Your Marriage? Take the Test

March 24, 2014/ Alex Lerza

I've been writing a lot about the dangers of porn. But, It's not enough to just refrain from unhealthy sexuality. Recovery is about learning to detach from a self-destructive process and attach to a safe, healthy person. To safely attach to a person requires knowing how to build a relationship in which both you and your partner will thrive. And, it's this sort of thriving marriage that makes truly amazing sex possible. This is what healthy sexuality is all about!

So, this week I offer a marriage health assessment to help you assess your current relationship. If you are in between relationships you can use this assessment to consider what you want in your next romantic venture. You can also use this assessment as a conversation starter with your significant other. Have each person take the test and compare answers.

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