January 05, 2024

Annual Reflection Guide 2024 - Make Changes That Last

January 05, 2024/ Alex Lerza

Today I want to help you make changes that last. Key to that is REFLECTION. Feel free to skip to the Annual Reflection Guide below if you don’t need convincing as to why it’s a good idea.

Reflecting on the year (let alone the last week!) can feel DAUNTING.

"Aren't I just gonna see what a failure I have been? How things never change? How I've hurt myself and others? Why revisit painful memories…again!?"

Whether you are helping people grow or going through a growth process yourself REFLECTION is medicine for the tired, wounded and broken soul.

One of the most helpful traditions I have kept over the last 5 years is to do a reflection on the past year. I’ve noticed that the better my reflection, the more likely it is that I’m going to follow through on my goals. Last year I can see that I kept to most of my goals and that feels incredibly satisfying. Historically, I’ve struggled to be in touch with my real needs and I’m not the most disciplined person I know. So, I see this as a sign that I am getting more and more in touch with what matters and really living it out. In a deep way this sort of reflection is creating more and more CONGRUENCE in my life: connecting who I am at a soul level to the life I live.

January 03, 2023

Annual Reflection Guide 2023 - Make Changes That Last

January 03, 2023/ Alex Lerza

Today I want to help you make changes that last. Key to that is REFLECTION. Feel free to skip to the Annual Reflection Guide below if you don’t need convincing as to why it’s a good idea.

Reflecting on the year (let alone the last week!) can feel DAUNTING.

"Aren't I just gonna see what a failure I have been? How things never change? How I've hurt myself and others? Why revisit painful memories…again!?"

Whether you are helping people grow or going through a growth process yourself REFLECTION is medicine for the tired, wounded and broken soul.

One of the most helpful traditions I have kept over the last 5 years is to do a reflection on the past year. I’ve noticed that the better my reflection, the more likely it is that I’m going to follow through on my goals. Last year I can see that I kept to most of my goals and that feels incredibly satisfying. Historically, I’ve struggled to be in touch with my real needs and I’m not the most disciplined person I know. So, I see this as a sign that I am getting more and more in touch with what matters and really living it out. In a deep way this sort of reflection is creating more and more CONGRUENCE in my life: connecting who I am at a soul level to the life I live.

November 14, 2014

Porn Kills Healthy Sex; Healthy Sex Kills Porn

November 14, 2014/ Alex Lerza

Last week I wrote about the 22 differences between porn-related sex and healthy sex .

This week I delve more deeply into the top 3 differences. I also include a former porn star's inspiring story. Now, onto how porn kills healthy sex and how healthy sex kills porn.

A famous teacher once said that if you have two bosses you are going to hate one and love the other. Basically, you are going to have to choose which boss you are going to follow or comply with. You can't make both bosses happy. Being loyal to one means upsetting the other and vice versa. Some of you may even have bossws, teachers or even parents that have competing agendas. And, I'm sure the tug-of-war drives you nuts. It's an illustration that sometimes in life two paths are incompatible. To gain one you have to give up the other.

There's a similar dynamic when it comes to pornography and a healthy sexuality. If you choose porn then you give up a healthy sexuality and vice versa. Pornography pulls you away from healthy sexuality and healthy sexuality can pull you away from pornography. The main issue is that we are influenced by what we watch especially when you add an orgasm into the mix. Our brain is able to change and it adapts itself based on rewards. If sex to your brain = isolated porn and masturbation, experiences outside of that will not "feel right." For some guys this means erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation when it comes to having sex with a real person. Rewiring your brain to a healthy sexuality requires an intentional process and is not easily done. (For more on that you can go HERE.)

For many guys whose first sexual experience was pornography the idea of "healthy sexuality" may seem completely foreign. Let me break down some of the major differences between a healthy sexuality and a porn sexuality.

November 06, 2014

22 Differences Between Healthy Sex and Porn

November 06, 2014/ Alex Lerza

Sometimes it can be hard to pin-down why pornography can be harmful to a healthy sexuality. I am grateful to share a poster made by healthysex.com (with permission) that lays out 22 differences between healthy sex and pornography.

As you look at this list do you see ways your sexuality has been influenced by the porn industry? Don't be surprised if you do. The three "A's" of porn--accessibility, affordability and anonymity--have caused a "pornification" to happen to our culture. This is especially true for youth whose sex education often comes by-way-of pornography. In my next post I will delve more deeply into a few of these differences.

July 20, 2014

The Definition of Resilience

July 20, 2014/ Alex Lerza

NEVER. GIVE. UP.

That's what I learned from the biographical Unbroken. It's the story about Louis Zamperrini a hellion of a child and a menace to society through his early adolescence. It's the story of an unforeseen Olympian who overcame all odds of survival in WW II and even the fallout of incredible trauma and addiction.

INSPIRATION

If you are in need of inspiration in your life right now read this book. It is the most inspirational book I have ever read. Not kidding.

THAT'S REAL

If there weren't eye witnesses it would be deemed fiction. For, it is too amazing to be considered real. It is utterly fantastical.

THAT'S ACCESSIBLE

Yet, for as unbelievable as the events are one does not shrug and say "I could never do that." There is not a distancing that can usually occur with heroes who seem so other-worldly. There is something about Zamperini that is accessible. When reading about his life you hear an invitation and a desire to be like him. You WANT to be like this guy. You want to honor his life. You want to never give up.

A PARABLE FOR RECOVERY

This is the perfect book for those in recovery.

What most sex addicts and addicts in general suffer from is hopelessness:

"It will never get better."

"Things will never change."

"I'll always be stuck in my addiction."

"I'll always be this way."

Addicts feel the odds are stacked against them and that there is no use in trying. After being beaten down numerous times by the disease the invitation to despair is alluring.

Never Give Up. It sounds cliché. But, it will feel far from cliché after reading Unbroken. Louis' life will give new meaning to those words.

Enjoy.

July 06, 2014

How To Make A Smartphone Contract With Your Teen

July 06, 2014/ Alex Lerza

A few weeks ago I recommended a book that can act as a guide in parenting digital citizens. When I stumbled across this mother's thoughtful approach to explaining the use of a smartphone I had to share it. I invite you to take what's helpful, leave what's not and adapt this contract in a way that makes sense for your teen.

June 22, 2014

Teens, Sex and Technology→

June 22, 2014/ Alex Lerza

The radio interview I did last week was packed with great questions from the host Carol the Coach. Below are the questions we discussed. To listen or download the interview you can go HERE. The interview starts about 15 minutes in.

What led you to want to work with teens who are addicted to pornography?

How does pornography impact an adolescent brain differently than an adult brain?

How can pornography be harmful to developing a healthy sexuality?

What is a healthy sexuality?

What should parents understand?

How should parents respond if they discover their teen is using online pornography?

What practically should a parent do if their teen is viewing online pornography?

How can parents with younger children discourage pornography use?

What can the recovery community do to help teens?

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/sexhelpwithcarolthecoach/2014/06/17/porn-addiction-and-teens-with-carol-the-coach

Are there people who would be helped by this podcast? Feel free to share it. If this podcast has helped you let me know by "liking" it.

June 16, 2014

Radio Interview Tonight- Join Me!→

June 16, 2014/ Alex Lerza

Tonight at 6:30pm I will talk about TEENS, SEX and TECH with Carol the Coach. You can join the show too and ask me about anything related to sex addiction, parenting or technology.

The show is pretty popular with 130,000 downloads/week from an international audience.

Here is the info for calling in:

(646) 595-3284

We'll be taking calls starting around 6:30pm PST.

June 02, 2014

A Book to Help Guide Your Teen's Life Online

June 02, 2014/ Alex Lerza

Navigating the cultural divide between digital natives (born post 1980) and digital immigrants (born pre-1980) can be a challenge for parents. I hear questions like:

"How do I help my kid enjoy their life online but at the same time equip them to be safe?"

"How restrictive should I be or how much should I monitor my kids online behavior?"

"Is it too late to even try to change things now that my kid is in high school?"

In their book A Parent's Guide to Understanding Social Media, Adam and Mark approach these questions with compassion, wisdom and experience. They give great practical tips which they have used themselves.

The other thing I like about this book is that it can be read in about 2 hours. Parents have so many things on their minds that having concise material is helpful.

The one main critique I have is that they don't address in enough detail what to do if your child has a porn or sexting problem. So, while their recommendations are generally useful I would recommend consulting with a professional if there are chronic boundary violations. A teen with chronic sexting or porn issues may be addicted. And, if they are addicted finding the right combination between grace and truth; monitoring and equipping is crucial.

Are there people who would be helped by this article? Feel free to share it. If this article has helped you let me know by "liking" it.

May 18, 2014

Life of the Beloved

May 18, 2014/ Alex Lerza

Life of the Beloved is probably my favorite book when it comes to recovery and healing. Most of us who feel broken do so because at the root of our soul is a feeling that we don't belong. Betrayal, neglect and all forms of abuse embed in our hearts and whisper the message "you are worthless." It's this bitter root that drains life and which so many try to numb with any and all possible means--sex, food, drugs, power.

But, we can be creatively life-giving as much as we are creatively life-destroying.

Nouwen convinces us that deeper than the bitter root is the message "You are the Beloved." That we belong to Someone very special indeed. And, it's his voice we should listen to above all others.

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